Philip's Flip Side

 Philip’s Flip Side

 

“Evil passions enslave him; he is possessed by them. 
As long as the man is in their grip, he can never know what self-determination 
in freedom really means, and when he imagines himself to be free in the enjoyment 
of his passions he is simply living in a world of false appearances 
and he’s the victim of a terrible illusion.” 
Nicolai Berdyaev

 

         Walking through Fashion Island Shopping Center, Philip’s eyes constantly discovered and locked on to the most attractive women, especially the younger ones. Aroused and astounded by their form fitting attire, and in many cases the lack of it, Philip recognized the all to familiar passions burning within.

 

“Look away,” Philip told himself. “Look away.”

 

Regardless of his self-talk, he continued to fixate upon them, giving his mind free rein to fill itself with fantasy. Images that would have disgusted him a year ago filled his mind’s eye.

 

His forehead breaking out in sweat, he realized that he was reaching a dangerous point in what previously he’d considered a harmless hobby. “Dude,” he said silently. “You’ve got to get out of here.”

 

Racing to the parking structure, his heart beating hard in his chest, he jumped into his Jeep and threw it into reverse. Brakes squealed in protest as he backed up blindly nearly colliding with an oncoming car. Waving to the driver, he apologized.

 

“Gotta get out of here!”

 

He headed up PCH to Newport Blvd and out to the far end of the road, home of the world-famous Wedge surf spot in Newport Beach. Miraculously, he nabbed a parking space, and grabbing a bottle of water from the back of the Jeep, walked out to the beach. 

 

“I’m going to take a walk around the water’s edge and get my head on straight,” he rationalized, but deep within himself in a place that he didn’t want to admit to, he knew that on a beautiful day like today there would be thousands of bikini clad girls on the beach. “I won’t look,” he lied to himself.

 

Initially, he didn’t look. But then he saw her, a “gorgeous little thing,” was his first thought. Wearing only the briefest of bikinis, she was precisely his type. Philip found an empty spot on the beach nearby, ‘to rest’ he rationalized. In fact, his real purpose was to be able to carefully watch her movements.

 

And watch he did. 

 

Unsure of if it was the effects of the sun, or of his passions, his face turned bright red. Lust spoke dirty suggestions into his already troubled mind. And Philip found himself utterly defenseless against the passions that raged war within him.

 

His unwanted attentions had not gone unnoticed by the girl, noticing time and time again that no matter what she was doing, this strange man was staring at her. Philip was shocked when she sat down next to a man who easily could have been twice her age. A few moments later, the man looked his way, stood up and made his way to the place where Philip was sitting. Hoping to avoid a confrontation, Philip turned away, but it was too late.

 

The man walked up Philip, stood over him and said authoritatively, “Hey buddy! You are making that young lady very uncomfortable because you are staring at her. I’m her dad and I thought I’d give you fair warning, if I catch you staring again, you and I are going to have a most unpleasant encounter. And by the way, dude, she’s 14 years old. Sicko!”

 

“No man,” Philip said in his defense, “she’s got it all wrong! I didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

“Pal, this is your one and only warning. Maybe you’d best find another spot on the beach.”

 

Realizing the gravity of the situation, Philip quickly headed back to his Jeep. “Man, I’ve got to stop this! I don’t want to be like this, I really don’t! I just can’t help it, sometimes,” he said to himself.

 

Getting back to his apartment, Philip went inside and jumped into the shower. Hoping that the cold water would help settle him down and get him back on track, he stayed under the flowing waters, tears racing down his face as the seeming impossibility of his situation overwhelmed him.

 

Lying on his bed, he fell into a deep sleep. Terrorized by dreams of lurid sexual nature, he awoke in a start. Opening a cold beer, his discouragement grew. “I’m hopeless,” he said to his empty apartment.

 

Philip’s problem wasn’t new to him. He had an ample supply of pornographic movies hidden away in a box on a high shelf in his closet. In addition, he’d surfed the internet seeking the dark web sites filled with even greater degrees of perversities.

 

Yet, because of shame, Philip’s problem was hidden. There was no one he could talk with about this, “it’s too dark, they’d judge me, they’d be disgusted, they’d turn away,” were some of his common defenses when he was tempted to reach out for help.

 

Philip’s problem was growing. What once satisfied no longer did, he was seeking ever more extremes.

 

Philip noticed a young girl who walked to school each day in front of his apartment. Initially, it was nothing. But over the weeks his thoughts darkened, and he found himself fixated upon this child. It had grown to the point where he was finding excuses each morning and afternoon to be out front of his apartment. In recent days, he had started greeting her. Today he asked for her name. She smiled nervously, and said, “Lorraine.” 

 

“Lorraine is a pretty name, for a pretty girl, I’m Robert,” he lied.

 

Philip was rapidly approaching a crisis point. Making plans to act out on his evil desires, his heart darkened.

 

The weeks flew by, and he could tell that he was gaining Lorraine’s trust. “Tomorrow is the day,” he decided as he went over his plans in detail.

 

As his sense of anticipation grew for the fulfillment of his passions, so too did horrible dread overtake him. He lie awake torn between pursuing the fulfillment of his passions, and the growing levels of guilt impacting the remaining shreds of conscience.

 

At 6:30 a.m., about 15 minutes before Lorraine ordinarily passed by, Philip’s face was fire red and his mouth was parched with thirst. Anxiously, he paced across his apartment floor. Checking and double checking his preparations, he was confident that he’d be successful in fulfilling his desires.

 

As the clock read 6:35 a.m., he panicked, “What have I forgotten? What if I’m caught?”

 

Philip glanced at his watch at 6:40 a.m. and screamed in recognition of the reality before him. “You liar! You are a disgusting liar! You promised me that I’d be happy, you told me that I could do whatever I want and that I’d like it and I’d be free! But you lied! I’m am disgusted beyond measure at what has become of me! I’m anything but free, I’ve become your slave, haven’t it? And that is what you wanted all along, isn’t it? I am a fool.”

 

At 6:45 a.m., Lorraine passed by Philip’s apartment surprised that he wasn’t out to greet her as he ordinarily would. “Hmm, maybe he’s sick, but I hope not,” she thought to herself as she made her way to school.

 

At 3:10 p.m. she walked by the apartment on the way home from school. “No Robert today, that’s odd,” she said quietly.

 

Four days later, walking home she was surprised by the flashing lights of the police and ambulance in front of Philip’s place. Seeing a police officer standing watch, she asked her, “Ma’am, my friend lives here, is everything okay?”

 

Seeing the sincerity in the girl’s face, the kind police office said, “Miss, have you ever been inside his apartment?”

 

“No, we’ve only spoken out here on the street.” Lorraine answered. “Why?”

 

“Are you sure you’ve never been in there?”

 

“No, my mom has made it clear to me that I can never go in the home or car of a stranger.”

 

“I thought you called him your friend?” the police officer asked.

 

“Well, he really isn’t a friend. More of an acquaintance, really.”

 

The police woman’s face showed considerable signs of relief at Lorraine’s answer. Leaning closely to the girl’s side, she said, “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but it looks like your acquaintance committed suicide a few days ago.”

 

______

“But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 7:23-25 NLT